Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement...I hope.
Good evening, friends! So, I'll just jump right into it. Last week was emotionally exhausting and complete with a couple of milestones. First, Tommy started his very first job, AND he got his drivers license. I still can't come up with the right word to describe what it feels like to watch your child drive away by themselves for the very first time. It's a mixture of terror, pride, sentimentality, freedom, and "what if". Whatever word covers all those feelings, that's what I felt. Then there's the job. Tommy started at Dunkin Donuts on Friday. Yeah, I know. It fits with my new addiction nicely. Basically, Tommy has had a big week. I admit I became a little EMOTIONAL about it all (um...you might have seen my Facebook oversharing), but please don't think that I'm in any way unhappy with things. I'm thrilled that he has a job and that he's driving. Okay, he's not actually driving much on his own because we need a third working car. That's coming.
Along with my eldest child taking two giant leaps toward adulthood, I also had my beautiful, carefully crafted schedule utterly destroyed before my very eyes along with the hopes of dreams of having my husband home in time for dinner. He was supposed to move to days with his new job, but after a couple of days, the powers that be decided they really needed him to stay on his swing shift after all. I was...shall we say...perturbed. Okay, I dropped a word or two. Honestly, I fully understand that I should not have felt as devastated as I did, but...I did. I feel what I feel, and last Wednesday, I felt dejected. I've never been a huge fan of the swing shift anyway, and with the kids growing older, it's become increasingly difficult to fit everything into our day. Our family schedule has been a problem for awhile, and to think that the important things were going to fit again only to have it snatched away a few days later was slightly crushing.
But what could I do to change it? Nothing. I could do nothing to fix it. I instead had two choices in front of me. I could pretend it wasn't a big deal and then passive aggressively punish everyone for an extended period of time, or I could let myself feel the feelings so that I could deal with it and get on with my life. I'm a big proponent of getting on with one's life; therefore, I made a grieving timeline for myself. I started off with one day to feel all the mad feelings. Then, when the next day came, I realized I needed another day to feel all the sad feelings.
I was about to say that I felt better by Saturday, but then I remembered that I had a slight meltdown on Saturday night. Tommy came home from his second day at his new job with his schedule for the week. Yall. Those people scheduled my baby for 29 HOURS. TWENTY-NINE HOURS OVER FIVE DAYS!!! I saw that handwritten schedule on the Dunkin Donuts napkin and totally spazzed out. All I saw were five days of driving to and from Tanger to drop off and pick up. That's TEN times, people. TEN TIMES! Ten extra errands just splattered themselves all over my exquisite Erin Condren Life Planner. Those ten errands might as well have been blood splatter from the slaying of my schedule.
After calling a friend and squeaking at her for a few minutes, I calmed down enough to bring my voice down an octave and actually finish my sentences. Friends, I need a plan. Need. It. The plan can change. It doesn't have to be super detailed. It merely has to exist. Last week saw the destruction of my plan, and I was undone. I also blame milestones. Oh, and I blame the tail end of October whipping its tail around to smack me in the head to remind me that it has its full power all the way through the week. Just because the month ends on a Wednesday does not mean October is suddenly sucked of all its might.
And then today we had church and our missional community. As we were talking this afternoon, I couldn't help but once again remember James 2:13. This verse has become my verse for the back half of the year. In its simplest form, it says "Mercy triumphs over judgement." Usually this hits me because I lean heavy towards the judgement side of things. It's something on which I will always have to push back. However, today it hit me differently. Instead of judging others, I was judging myself much too harshly and withholding mercy for myself. I've done a better job of evaluating commitments and saving my "yes" for the best things. Even so, I can't plan for life to happen. As we finish out the home stretch of the swing shift life and prepare for six months of separation, I have to be merciful to myself. Certain things simply won't get done, and that's okay. More time will have to be spent in the car until we buy another car. We're going to get the most important things done, and then we'll see what else we can fit into our day.
What else can I do? I'm counting on God to prove His word to be true and show me that mercy still triumphs over judgement.
Along with my eldest child taking two giant leaps toward adulthood, I also had my beautiful, carefully crafted schedule utterly destroyed before my very eyes along with the hopes of dreams of having my husband home in time for dinner. He was supposed to move to days with his new job, but after a couple of days, the powers that be decided they really needed him to stay on his swing shift after all. I was...shall we say...perturbed. Okay, I dropped a word or two. Honestly, I fully understand that I should not have felt as devastated as I did, but...I did. I feel what I feel, and last Wednesday, I felt dejected. I've never been a huge fan of the swing shift anyway, and with the kids growing older, it's become increasingly difficult to fit everything into our day. Our family schedule has been a problem for awhile, and to think that the important things were going to fit again only to have it snatched away a few days later was slightly crushing.
But what could I do to change it? Nothing. I could do nothing to fix it. I instead had two choices in front of me. I could pretend it wasn't a big deal and then passive aggressively punish everyone for an extended period of time, or I could let myself feel the feelings so that I could deal with it and get on with my life. I'm a big proponent of getting on with one's life; therefore, I made a grieving timeline for myself. I started off with one day to feel all the mad feelings. Then, when the next day came, I realized I needed another day to feel all the sad feelings.
I was about to say that I felt better by Saturday, but then I remembered that I had a slight meltdown on Saturday night. Tommy came home from his second day at his new job with his schedule for the week. Yall. Those people scheduled my baby for 29 HOURS. TWENTY-NINE HOURS OVER FIVE DAYS!!! I saw that handwritten schedule on the Dunkin Donuts napkin and totally spazzed out. All I saw were five days of driving to and from Tanger to drop off and pick up. That's TEN times, people. TEN TIMES! Ten extra errands just splattered themselves all over my exquisite Erin Condren Life Planner. Those ten errands might as well have been blood splatter from the slaying of my schedule.
After calling a friend and squeaking at her for a few minutes, I calmed down enough to bring my voice down an octave and actually finish my sentences. Friends, I need a plan. Need. It. The plan can change. It doesn't have to be super detailed. It merely has to exist. Last week saw the destruction of my plan, and I was undone. I also blame milestones. Oh, and I blame the tail end of October whipping its tail around to smack me in the head to remind me that it has its full power all the way through the week. Just because the month ends on a Wednesday does not mean October is suddenly sucked of all its might.
And then today we had church and our missional community. As we were talking this afternoon, I couldn't help but once again remember James 2:13. This verse has become my verse for the back half of the year. In its simplest form, it says "Mercy triumphs over judgement." Usually this hits me because I lean heavy towards the judgement side of things. It's something on which I will always have to push back. However, today it hit me differently. Instead of judging others, I was judging myself much too harshly and withholding mercy for myself. I've done a better job of evaluating commitments and saving my "yes" for the best things. Even so, I can't plan for life to happen. As we finish out the home stretch of the swing shift life and prepare for six months of separation, I have to be merciful to myself. Certain things simply won't get done, and that's okay. More time will have to be spent in the car until we buy another car. We're going to get the most important things done, and then we'll see what else we can fit into our day.
What else can I do? I'm counting on God to prove His word to be true and show me that mercy still triumphs over judgement.
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