Beauty, awe, and trust

The past few days my mind has insisted on drifting back to Paris at every opportunity. Generally during the day there are too many sounds and responsibilities to merely sit and think. At night, however, my mind has been coming alive with memories. This time, my heart keeps going back to the Eiffel Tower. My first day in Paris was ridiculously perfect, but that evening was one of those surreal experiences that still feels halfway imagined. Actually, it's not even the Eiffel Tower that I keep picturing, it's walking in Paris afterwards. It was midnight, and we walked through a light rain. The city was quieter than I expected a major city to be. Hardly anyone was walking, there were few cars on the roads. We walked by this one restaurant with a red awning that was full of boisterous cyclists celebrating the end of the Tour de France. The rain made the city lights sparkle. The lights weren't harsh and florescent. Instead, they all had a soft, warm, incandescent glow that made the city feel warm even as I shivered from the cool night air. Walking in Paris at midnight in the rain is one of those things I saw in a movie. It's silly. And I wanted to experience it so much even if I was too embarrassed to say it out loud. I got the idea from watching Midnight in Paris. I'd downloaded that specific movie to watch on the plane to refresh my memory. Really, what other movie is more appropriate to watch while you fly to Paris?

To live that day and end it with a quiet walk through Paris in the rain at midnight...I can't even describe the feeling it gives me even now. I still can't quite believe that it happened the way that it did. To even attempt to describe the night would have to be a list of adjectives and impressions of moments...

 hazy, muted, glowing, warm, etched, clear, the sound of footsteps on the side walk, raindrops thumping the umbrella, damp jeans clinging to my skin making every step the tiniest bit more purposeful, lights reflecting on the puddles, raindrop rings, splashes as we plod through each small sidewalk puddle, a line of three as we search for a train station, blindly following the person ahead of me knowing that I could never be truly lost in this place with these people...

I think I must keep going back to this moment because it was pure beauty, quiet awe, and trust; things that I realize are lacking in my life at the moment. I long for beauty to surround me, not the pile of laundry I'm trying to ignore beside my chair or the stacks of books in my school room that refuses to become a respectable library. I desire a feeling of quiet awe, not the loud, endless questions and demands on my energy and time. I ache to trust without question. To walk through my day following the feet of the One leading me without worry or anxiety over all the shoulds that demand my attention. To walk through my day enjoying the beauty of the life God has built around me...oh, if I could just do that. God, if I could just do that.

There is beauty in this mess of a life I live. God, I pray that you show me the beauty as I slog through the laundry, the dishes, the budget, the constant requests for more, the attitudes, the loneliness. Show me how to be in  quiet awe of You as I really see the people and opportunities around me. Show me how to trust the feet that walk ahead of me on this darkened road. Remind me that I can never be lost when I follow You.

I think God gives us these moments in time that we don't even understand while we're in the middle of them. I knew that night was special and incredible and as close to perfect as I'd ever experience on this side of Heaven, and yet I was barely scratching the surface of that moment. Seven months later, God is using that evening to draw me closer to Him. As I enter an unexpected season of carrying a heavier load, God is pulling me back to that evening and saying, "Remember that time. Remember the beauty, the awe, and the trust you experienced. It wasn't for then. It was for now. It was a picture for every time that you forget the beauty I am, the awe I  inspire, and trust I deserve."

This is not the most beautiful picture in the world, but it's my picture from the top of the Eiffel Tower just before midnight as the rain fell around us. It's one of my favorites so I'm sharing it again.

***theological caveat*** I am not actually quoting God. I'm trying to express a thought and feeling the best way I can with my pathetically feeble words. Please don't blast me for it. =)