It's getting dark up in here.

I've just skimmed the posts I've written over the last five months, and I have to say, either nobody is reading this, or you're all just assuming I'm being self-deprecating and exaggerated. Y'all. I am not. The last six months or so have seriously kicked my butt. I'm not allowed to share some of the things that have happened, but between death, major schedule changes, broken bones, and potential life altering "things" that I had to prepare for "just in case", no wonder my new hobby involves planning trips to anywhere but here.

I keep telling my husband that I am tired, but he doesn't get it. He hears tired and thinks "I guess she needs a nap? I mean, she slept in late this morning so she should be fine."  He does not hear the loaded meaning behind tired. My brain is tired of  juggling schedules and planning for contingencies that were very real even if I can't share them with everyone. My heart is tired of hurting over two deaths in the last few months as well as having to adjust to a difficult and unexpected change in our schedule. My soul is tired of being needed the way one needs a waiter at a restaurant. They're wanted when their wanted, then they're expected to fade in the background. My body is tired of hurting. I've gotten a couple of injuries in the last year, and although I'm getting better, the whole back pain shtick is getting old.

My friend and I have started a new thing where we plan trips that we can't take. The location is important, but really, the key detail is how inaccessible we can make ourselves while still keeping the plan somewhat anchored in reality.  The dream is a deserted island, but we both know that's not going happen. Today we went to new dark depths. We searched Carnival cruises. *screams of horror*

I know. People love Carnival cruises. I will go on one some day because my husband is dying to do a Caribbean cruise. They're just not my thing. First, the movie Poseidon kind of traumatized me. Second, I've seen them described as floating malls. I don't like malls on land. Why would I go on one that can get flipped upside down by a rogue wave requiring me to climb up to the bottom of the ship so I can escape through the giant propeller before it sinks? Third, there are a lot of people on those ships. Have you met me? Lots of people crammed together on a boat? I need space. I need quiet. I need to not be trapped with thousands of people on the same kind of ship that killed Kurt Russell.

Anyway, after clearing my head, I realized that I was really in trouble if I was entertaining the idea of going on a Carnival cruise for myself. Not for my husband, not with friends, but just for me and my fellow introverted, overworked, burned out friend.

Basically, I realized today that not only did I completely fail on my calendar this school year thereby falling into survival mode from saying yes to too many people; but also, I've had a crap ton (that's an official unit of measurement for feelings) of things happen or almost happen in the last 6 months requiring a lot of brain and heart space.

I have one more month of insanity before my calendar miraculously clears up. At that point, I will probably disappear for awhile. I will only do house projects. I will not add anything else to my calendar. If you even think about asking me to commit to anything, I cannot be held responsible for the response I might give you. You can invite me to stuff, but I will probably give you some uncommitted response that will include words like "possibly" or "maybe".

So here's to the end of March. Just...go away, March. Go away.

Here's a nice promo pick I found of Poseidon to keep away that pesky "Cherish Every Moment" image.