Please excuse my hermit ways...
Hi friends. It's been almost two weeks since I've posted anything, and that can only mean one thing. I have begun to hermit. Yes, I use hermit as a verb. I think it most aptly describes what I do when I'm figuring out how to handle a thing that feels overwhelming. And so friends, let me invite into my mental hermitage for a few minutes. If it were a real room, it would look like a hobbit hole, dimly lit, covered with books, and with a giant, cozy, cushy chair in the middle of the room. There's a fireplace with a low fire and a window, but there are flowers growing on the outside so no one can look inside. See, it's not depressing...just quiet, peaceful, and private.
Hold on. Before I describe why I'm hermitting, I just realized it might be weird to have a room in my head. Does anyone else do that? Like, is it normal to have mental places you go to think. My hermit hole is where I go when I need to work through a big thing. When I'm stressed, I go to the lavender farm in Maui. I'll google this after I'm done here. I can't be the only one. Right? Surely not.
Anyway. First, I'm already predisposed to being a hermit in October and February/March. This is the way of October and February. They are the homeschooling doldrums. If anything major pops up in this time frame, I retreat into my head until I deal with the thing. At the moment, I'm dealing with a scheduling nightmare in a few months. Jon will most likely be leaving for training for six months. Sigh. It is the way our lives have always gone, and I am much too comfortable with in it some ways, and yet I still hate it every single time. While he's been gone for longer in the past, he wasn't as far away as he'll be this time. He was activated (but not deployed) for nearly 3 years during the Iraq war, but we were only 3 hours apart so weekends and holidays were very doable. That will not be doable this time around so I'm trying to wrap my heart around the idea of things to come.
As far as logistics, I'm not worried about that side of things. I can keep all the balls in the air while he's gone. It's one of his favorite things about me. I can handle all the things. Mostly, I just don't want to handle all the things. Times like this make me wish for the first time ever of the perks that come with being sixteen years younger. Sixteen years ago when Jon was activated, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I mean, it was hard, but I didn't know what was coming. In some ways, it was harder because we did not see some things coming (hello, RE-ENTRY). Now I know what's coming. I know what it's like to live separately, and I know what it will be like when he comes home. Re-entry is a real thing, and it sucks.
Basically, even though we don't have details for timing, we know it's coming, and I am dreading it. I dread every part of it. I dread the in between period; that time between when we know the timing and when he actually leaves. I dread the time he's gone. I know what my struggles will be, and I really don't have time for that mess. I dread when he comes back, and we have to find our family mojo again. I dread having to tell people what's going on and act like it's not a big deal when they make "the face" at me. I dread being the single person at all the things. Most of you don't know what it's like to sit by yourself every Sunday at church while you're surrounded by couples, but let me tell you. It hurts.
I remember years ago when Jon was activated, I would usually sit with a friend who's husband was also activated. One time before church she leaned and whispered, "I know it's wrong, but sometimes I really hate sitting with all these couples when our husbands are gone!" She was not wrong.
All this to say that I have been living in my mental hobbit hermit room this last week while I work through all the feelings. It doesn't mean I can't socialize. In fact, for once, small talk is welcome because it's a good distraction. I've been listening to Mumford and Sons because it carried me through 2015, my year of recovery from 2014. The entire album is a little sad and all about loss with just the right amount of hope so it's my go to music for this kind of mood.
And so now you know why I've cut back on facebook, refrained from posting, and been a little slow to respond to texts and emails. It will be okay. We'll make it through this one as we have before. I don't like it, but it is what it is. I've given myself a good couple of weeks of wallowing, and now I need to stop being a hermit and engage the world again.
After all, tomorrow Sunday, and Sundays are good.
Hold on. Before I describe why I'm hermitting, I just realized it might be weird to have a room in my head. Does anyone else do that? Like, is it normal to have mental places you go to think. My hermit hole is where I go when I need to work through a big thing. When I'm stressed, I go to the lavender farm in Maui. I'll google this after I'm done here. I can't be the only one. Right? Surely not.
Anyway. First, I'm already predisposed to being a hermit in October and February/March. This is the way of October and February. They are the homeschooling doldrums. If anything major pops up in this time frame, I retreat into my head until I deal with the thing. At the moment, I'm dealing with a scheduling nightmare in a few months. Jon will most likely be leaving for training for six months. Sigh. It is the way our lives have always gone, and I am much too comfortable with in it some ways, and yet I still hate it every single time. While he's been gone for longer in the past, he wasn't as far away as he'll be this time. He was activated (but not deployed) for nearly 3 years during the Iraq war, but we were only 3 hours apart so weekends and holidays were very doable. That will not be doable this time around so I'm trying to wrap my heart around the idea of things to come.
As far as logistics, I'm not worried about that side of things. I can keep all the balls in the air while he's gone. It's one of his favorite things about me. I can handle all the things. Mostly, I just don't want to handle all the things. Times like this make me wish for the first time ever of the perks that come with being sixteen years younger. Sixteen years ago when Jon was activated, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I mean, it was hard, but I didn't know what was coming. In some ways, it was harder because we did not see some things coming (hello, RE-ENTRY). Now I know what's coming. I know what it's like to live separately, and I know what it will be like when he comes home. Re-entry is a real thing, and it sucks.
Basically, even though we don't have details for timing, we know it's coming, and I am dreading it. I dread every part of it. I dread the in between period; that time between when we know the timing and when he actually leaves. I dread the time he's gone. I know what my struggles will be, and I really don't have time for that mess. I dread when he comes back, and we have to find our family mojo again. I dread having to tell people what's going on and act like it's not a big deal when they make "the face" at me. I dread being the single person at all the things. Most of you don't know what it's like to sit by yourself every Sunday at church while you're surrounded by couples, but let me tell you. It hurts.
I remember years ago when Jon was activated, I would usually sit with a friend who's husband was also activated. One time before church she leaned and whispered, "I know it's wrong, but sometimes I really hate sitting with all these couples when our husbands are gone!" She was not wrong.
All this to say that I have been living in my mental hobbit hermit room this last week while I work through all the feelings. It doesn't mean I can't socialize. In fact, for once, small talk is welcome because it's a good distraction. I've been listening to Mumford and Sons because it carried me through 2015, my year of recovery from 2014. The entire album is a little sad and all about loss with just the right amount of hope so it's my go to music for this kind of mood.
And so now you know why I've cut back on facebook, refrained from posting, and been a little slow to respond to texts and emails. It will be okay. We'll make it through this one as we have before. I don't like it, but it is what it is. I've given myself a good couple of weeks of wallowing, and now I need to stop being a hermit and engage the world again.
After all, tomorrow Sunday, and Sundays are good.
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