Digging out of the mess
I know I've been the doom and gloom, dark and twisty Mindy lately. It happens. What can I say? I have never been able to sustain rainbows and butterflies for long. In 6th grade I remember having this writing project in one of my classes. We were supposed to write and illustrate a poem about ourselves. Mine was all "jagged rocks" and "dark clouds". I thought it was normal until they put everyone's final project on the wall in the hallway, and all the other girls had colorful rainbow pictures. I was not dismayed. It only confirmed in my heart that I was a deep pool while they were shallow puddles. As you can see, my gift of rationalization and arrogance presented itself early in life. But seriously, it was hard being 12 years old! I was an awkward mess of an adolescent complete with huge bangs, pimples, and disproportionately sized limbs on a stick body. My poem was truth.
And now I'm almost a week into April. I must say that I have deeply appreciated all of the encouragement I've received over the last few weeks. I've had surprise pizza delivered to me and anonymous Amazon packages of dark chocolate covered cherries. Hmm, maybe I actually have a friend out there that wants me to gain ten pounds. If so, their plan is succeeding because I am already in my second layer of cherries in a box of seventy-two.
As I've alluded to before while remaining annoyingly vague, the last few months have been surprisingly difficult for me personally, but I am generally not much of a wallower. I mean, I can wallow with the best of them for awhile, but then I need a plan to pull me out of the muck. Usually my plan involves a project or some sort of short term goal that gives me the emotional pay-off of tangible success. In other words, I usually paint a room or do something Pinterest-y. This time, I decided to go in a different direction and re-evaluate some life choices.
This school year lead me into a new season of parenting full of driving, scheduling insanity, and busyness. In trying to navigate this new season, I forgot some basic guidelines I'd learned years ago. The end result put me back into a perpetual crisis mode where I've been doing the most urgent thing instead of the most important. Having been here before, I at least recognized the signs pretty quickly even if it did take me awhile to start remembering how to dig out of my mess.
After cutting our lives to almost nothing in Raleigh, I have a pretty good idea of how many responsibilities I can handle well. I blew past that bench mark quite awhile ago, but I've already been planning what things to cut in the next few months. I refuse to back out of commitments because it goes against who I am as a person. It is one thing that I judge hard. If someone makes a commitment to do something and then flakes out, I'm a little too ruthless in my judgement. If it's a fluke, it's one thing. If you do it repeatedly, well... #ByeFelicia. Is that still a thing? That probably went out of pop culture last year which is why it's creeping into my vocabulary now. Also, I've had people flake out on me lately at the worst possible time so I'm extra judgy about it at the moment.
Anyway. I've been taking baby steps. I ordered groceries online this week. I'd gotten to the point where I was stopping at the store nearly everyday to pick up something to make for dinner, or else we were eating out. Neither of those were working for me or our budget. I also signed up for a free trial of one of those meal planning services. They send me weekly menus with the grocery list already made out. They'll even text the grocery list to me if I want them to. I can't really say if it's something I'll use for long, but it at least gave me permission to stop spending so much time thinking about dinner.
Finally, I'm slowly going through my book, Goodbye Survival Mode again. It's all about goals and life planning. I have to relearn how to adult now that my kids are older and my daily life looks different than it did a few years ago. I am no longer tied to the needs of littles which is wonderful. Unfortunately, the freedom was too much. Apparently I need "boundaries" and "accountability" and other things that I always thought adults didn't have to deal with anymore. Blech. Boundaries. Where's the eye roll emoji when I need it?
I've also been coveting some Erin Condren life planners that my friends have been ordering. I even planned my own and have it sitting in the cart just waiting for me to checkout. I picked out the perfect lines for the cover. It says "Mindy, are you sure you want to say yes? Remember, you tend to overcommit." Every time I'd go to add something to my planner, I would have to get past the passive agressive judgement on myself. I know. It's perfect for me. I know that the life planner is giving into a lie. It's me trying to control everything, but can't I just enjoy the lie for a little while? It has a lovely purple water color cover!
I cannot promise that I won't buy the life planner, but I do know it's a tool, a band-aid. It won't fix the brokenness in the world, but maybe it would help me get my bathroom cleaned well and on a regular basis. Planners can do that, right?
And now I'm almost a week into April. I must say that I have deeply appreciated all of the encouragement I've received over the last few weeks. I've had surprise pizza delivered to me and anonymous Amazon packages of dark chocolate covered cherries. Hmm, maybe I actually have a friend out there that wants me to gain ten pounds. If so, their plan is succeeding because I am already in my second layer of cherries in a box of seventy-two.
As I've alluded to before while remaining annoyingly vague, the last few months have been surprisingly difficult for me personally, but I am generally not much of a wallower. I mean, I can wallow with the best of them for awhile, but then I need a plan to pull me out of the muck. Usually my plan involves a project or some sort of short term goal that gives me the emotional pay-off of tangible success. In other words, I usually paint a room or do something Pinterest-y. This time, I decided to go in a different direction and re-evaluate some life choices.
This school year lead me into a new season of parenting full of driving, scheduling insanity, and busyness. In trying to navigate this new season, I forgot some basic guidelines I'd learned years ago. The end result put me back into a perpetual crisis mode where I've been doing the most urgent thing instead of the most important. Having been here before, I at least recognized the signs pretty quickly even if it did take me awhile to start remembering how to dig out of my mess.
After cutting our lives to almost nothing in Raleigh, I have a pretty good idea of how many responsibilities I can handle well. I blew past that bench mark quite awhile ago, but I've already been planning what things to cut in the next few months. I refuse to back out of commitments because it goes against who I am as a person. It is one thing that I judge hard. If someone makes a commitment to do something and then flakes out, I'm a little too ruthless in my judgement. If it's a fluke, it's one thing. If you do it repeatedly, well... #ByeFelicia. Is that still a thing? That probably went out of pop culture last year which is why it's creeping into my vocabulary now. Also, I've had people flake out on me lately at the worst possible time so I'm extra judgy about it at the moment.
Anyway. I've been taking baby steps. I ordered groceries online this week. I'd gotten to the point where I was stopping at the store nearly everyday to pick up something to make for dinner, or else we were eating out. Neither of those were working for me or our budget. I also signed up for a free trial of one of those meal planning services. They send me weekly menus with the grocery list already made out. They'll even text the grocery list to me if I want them to. I can't really say if it's something I'll use for long, but it at least gave me permission to stop spending so much time thinking about dinner.
Finally, I'm slowly going through my book, Goodbye Survival Mode again. It's all about goals and life planning. I have to relearn how to adult now that my kids are older and my daily life looks different than it did a few years ago. I am no longer tied to the needs of littles which is wonderful. Unfortunately, the freedom was too much. Apparently I need "boundaries" and "accountability" and other things that I always thought adults didn't have to deal with anymore. Blech. Boundaries. Where's the eye roll emoji when I need it?
I've also been coveting some Erin Condren life planners that my friends have been ordering. I even planned my own and have it sitting in the cart just waiting for me to checkout. I picked out the perfect lines for the cover. It says "Mindy, are you sure you want to say yes? Remember, you tend to overcommit." Every time I'd go to add something to my planner, I would have to get past the passive agressive judgement on myself. I know. It's perfect for me. I know that the life planner is giving into a lie. It's me trying to control everything, but can't I just enjoy the lie for a little while? It has a lovely purple water color cover!
I cannot promise that I won't buy the life planner, but I do know it's a tool, a band-aid. It won't fix the brokenness in the world, but maybe it would help me get my bathroom cleaned well and on a regular basis. Planners can do that, right?
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