This week I became a puddle.
Friends, I'll be honest. I can feel February coming on hard and fast this year. February is the worst month for homeschooling and therefore life. I might have breezed through October (the other hard homeschool month), but I can already tell that February is trying to make up for it. I am in desperate need of a goal or project with a purpose, and I am unfortunately not in a position to be making long-term plans at the moment. I need a new "thing" in my life. A new purpose. The marathons in my life only work if I have a sprint mixed in the middle to keep things interesting. I wish I could find joy in the maintenance, but I have not yet become that person.
Everyone has their kyroptonite, and today, I will tell you mine. When I work really hard at something, the kind of hard that involves pouring every drop of my soul into whatever that thing is; When I use up too much energy, too much time, say no to things I'd like to do so that I can do the things that I need to do; When I do my absolute best, fully recognizing that it's not always great or even good, but it's the best I can do; and all I get is complaints and criticisms, I am undone. Un. Done. I melt into an ugly puddle of insecurity, frustration, and existential crisis. By the end of this week, I was reduced to Mindy Level: Puddle.
Puddle Mindy considers running away for a few days to catch up on sleep and all British period pieces on Netflix. Myrtle Beach isn't far and it's the off season so I could get a cheap room, but I'd rather shave my legs with a rusty razor and jump into the ocean than go to Myrtle Beach. I considered looking up Southwest flights a few times, but that gets pricey, and then everyone would be worried about me having "issues" when really all I wanted was to have a few uninterrupted thoughts, meals, and bathroom breaks. Alone. I mean, is it really so much to ask to go to the bathroom without someone yelling through the door that Child 2 won't let Child 3 go to the world they want to go to in Minecraft?
And so now, I am a recovering puddle. I am also unexpectedly alone for the day. I was supposed to spend today traveling for a basketball game, but plans got turned around, and I ultimately chose to stay home instead of sitting in a car all day with boys and men to watch a basketball game that I do not understand. Why is one kid called for traveling and the other kid isn't? I don't know. It looks like they did the exact same thing. Why does this kid get a foul called on him and that kid doesn't? They both pushed. I do not understand these things.
So far, I've made myself a healthy breakfast, had a cup of coffee, watched some Fixer Upper on HGTV, stuck my toe into a Facebook discussion of Classical Conversations (I needed to add some risk to my day), and made dinner plans. I've considered doing many things, but I cannot seem to make myself leave the couch for any of them. I think that's okay? I've gotten pretty good about enjoying sugary drinks and desserts without guilt by making intentional choices on when to have them. I have not mastered the guilt free day at home. Also, I'm a little ADD when it comes to things to do. Here's my list of things I've considered doing vs things I'm actually willing to get off the couch for:
Everyone has their kyroptonite, and today, I will tell you mine. When I work really hard at something, the kind of hard that involves pouring every drop of my soul into whatever that thing is; When I use up too much energy, too much time, say no to things I'd like to do so that I can do the things that I need to do; When I do my absolute best, fully recognizing that it's not always great or even good, but it's the best I can do; and all I get is complaints and criticisms, I am undone. Un. Done. I melt into an ugly puddle of insecurity, frustration, and existential crisis. By the end of this week, I was reduced to Mindy Level: Puddle.
Puddle Mindy considers running away for a few days to catch up on sleep and all British period pieces on Netflix. Myrtle Beach isn't far and it's the off season so I could get a cheap room, but I'd rather shave my legs with a rusty razor and jump into the ocean than go to Myrtle Beach. I considered looking up Southwest flights a few times, but that gets pricey, and then everyone would be worried about me having "issues" when really all I wanted was to have a few uninterrupted thoughts, meals, and bathroom breaks. Alone. I mean, is it really so much to ask to go to the bathroom without someone yelling through the door that Child 2 won't let Child 3 go to the world they want to go to in Minecraft?
And so now, I am a recovering puddle. I am also unexpectedly alone for the day. I was supposed to spend today traveling for a basketball game, but plans got turned around, and I ultimately chose to stay home instead of sitting in a car all day with boys and men to watch a basketball game that I do not understand. Why is one kid called for traveling and the other kid isn't? I don't know. It looks like they did the exact same thing. Why does this kid get a foul called on him and that kid doesn't? They both pushed. I do not understand these things.
So far, I've made myself a healthy breakfast, had a cup of coffee, watched some Fixer Upper on HGTV, stuck my toe into a Facebook discussion of Classical Conversations (I needed to add some risk to my day), and made dinner plans. I've considered doing many things, but I cannot seem to make myself leave the couch for any of them. I think that's okay? I've gotten pretty good about enjoying sugary drinks and desserts without guilt by making intentional choices on when to have them. I have not mastered the guilt free day at home. Also, I'm a little ADD when it comes to things to do. Here's my list of things I've considered doing vs things I'm actually willing to get off the couch for:
Things I've considered doing
Deep clean the refrigerator
Go to the furniture consignment store
Clean the kitchen
Finally organize the school room with the resigning knowledge that I will never get more than one shelf on my wall.
Buy a vacuum cleaner (Okay, this one, I might actually do. Mine broke weeks ago and our floors are embarrassing.)
Things I've Actually Done
Refilled my coffee cup
Put my phone on the charger
Got my laptop to look up corbeling on pinterest
Wrote this so that my friends can wallow with me
Ultimately, I have to figure out why a week like I've had and the words that I've heard can reduce me to the aforementioned puddle. Very few people's opinions matter to me on a personal level. If a person has made it into my inner sanctum, then I care very deeply what they say, possibly to a fault. For the past few years, all the mom bloggers have been championing this idea that "You Are Enough!" And I get what they're saying. In a sense, I can only do the best that I can do and generally that's enough. No one has died in my care this week. No one missed any meals. They're clothed appropriately for the weather and they've done school work. The house is not so messy that it's becoming a sentient being made up of laundry, dirty dishes, and dust. I have extra toilet paper in the closets. I have kale in my refrigerator. So yes, in one sense, who I am and what I've done this week has been enough.
But. I am not enough. We've had spaghetti so much that my oldest said he'd rather eat a peanut butter sandwich than have spaghetti again for dinner. Well, okay then, child. Make. A. Sandwich. Because Prego is going to happen again very soon. I am going to forget to take my vitamins, and I am going to get rundown from peopling so much over the last month. I am not a great homeschool mom. No, really. I'm not good at this. My kids are very bright, natural learners so they make up for my ineptness, but homeschooling is not where I shine as a person. That's why I sub out things and am all in with CC. They make us do the things. I have an enormously strong sense of what I want and don't want, like and don't like. My husband does not always love this about me. I am not enough, and I can't keep all of the balls in the air all the time. When I do have all my balls in the air, albeit in an off-centered and wobbly juggle, I am prone to purposefully drop most of the balls for a few days when my juggling is criticized too often and too harshly. Handle your own balls for a few days, people. (Ahem, yes. I said something about handling balls. Some of you are laughing. That's why we're friends. I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy sometimes).
Anyway, all that to say that a day alone is probably not the worst thing for me today. It's the equivalent of being plugged up to a battery to recharge. I will not accomplish much, but the rest will allow me to get all the things done next week. I'm looking to the future, really. It's for the children. If you've made it through all this, I'm sorry. Maybe you're also in dire need of a reset. From talking to a few of my friends lately, we're all a little frazzled. The snow week did not help any of us out on that front. If any dads or husbands are reading this, you should probably stop what you're doing right now and go tell your wife to take a nap. Or you could take the kids out for a few hours at least. Most moms need a break right now. We ran the gauntlet over the holidays. We need some recovery time.
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