I have a confession.

Hi friends, both old and new. I have a confession that I need to share. It's been a long time coming, so here it goes. I've become afraid of you. I spent the entire year of 2015 being cautious with my words for all the wrong reasons. I've been afraid you won't like me. That my "realness" would be horrifying instead of refreshing. I was afraid of judgement and criticism, and I honestly didn't want anymore advice, "I told you so" comments, or looks. You know, the look that says "You're all wrong about everything, but I don't feel comfortable telling you how wrong I think you are."  It's a real thing.

It took me the entire year of 2015 to recover from 2014. And now it's taken me the last 4 months or so to really dig deep into the city that we've decided to call home. I've been ever so slowly committing our lives to Charleston. We bought a house. I contracted to tutor Challenge A next year with our CC group (BIG commitment for me). I signed the kids up for camps and activities over the summer months in advance. That might seem silly, but it was hard to actually commit to summer camps in March. Do you know how many things can go wrong between March and July?! I can list 5 right now without even trying.  It's been a process for us. I have no doubt some of you have thought that we need to get over everything already. I know I've thought it about myself.

I insulated myself so well last year that it's taken me the first few months of this year to even realize how much I've closed myself off from anything new. I've become timid. ME. I'm not timid. But that's who I've become, and I don't like it. I've missed opportunities because I was afraid of drawing attention to myself or of making someone else uncomfortable, and for that, I'm ashamed.

So. Here it is. A few bullet points of who I really am and things I've wanted to say:

• I drink wine. I like wine. I like beer too occasionally. I don't drink too much, but I make some delicious red wine truffles.
• My van is trashed. I can't blame the kids. I mean, I can for a lot of it, but my car has always been a little trashed. The kids changed the form, not the behavior. And I don't even care that much.
• Classical Conversations. It's been great for me and my kids, but I don't think it's the end all be all of homeschooling. CC moms that think this is the only way or the best way for every homeschooling family ever needs to stop. Stop talking. Please.
• People that don't like CC, stop hating on it. Nobody's making you do it. Stop calling all of us weird. We're not any stranger or judgier than you are for your unschooling, or your unit studies, or your boxed Bob Jones curriculum. People talk about the things they do and like. You don't have to like CC, but please stop. Just stop the eye roll before I see it.
• Don't trash your husband. Especially don't do it in front of me. The next time I hear it, I'm going to gently say "Oh, please don't say that. Please don't talk about him like that to me." And especially don't bash your husband to me IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND!
• I keep getting the very innocent question about where we go to church. Then I go into this long thing about where we used to go and where we've been visiting, but we might go back to the first place, and we don't know what we we're going to do, and we don't want to visit anymore churches because OHMYGOD. I'm so tired of visiting churches (all the moving, remember?), but we need a church, but I've kind of made my own family of Christians so maybe we don't need all the things the churches we visit say we need from them. Because let me tell you. Most churches are about 75% superficial, and I just. can't. do superficial formulaic church anymore. It makes my eyes hurt. And my heart. I don't want to spend all of my time with church people, and I don't even know what to do with all this. If you ask me about church, it's going to be an inarticulate mess of a conversation so be prepared.

I think that's enough for now. Oh wait, sometimes I say "bad" words. I'm very careful about where and when, but sometimes a good "bad" word is the best word to convey the meaning. So that's it. I'm making a conscious decision to put off the timidity that I ensconced myself in for the last year. Fear has had too strong of a grip on my heart. I've given in to the "what if" questions too much. It's exhausting, and I'm done. The insulation and timidity was good for me for awhile, but it's time to throw this blanket off and move into a new season.