When we go on trips...

After 12 1/2 years of traveling with kids, I've learned that certain things are going to happen nearly every time. This weekend's trip was no exception. So here's a rundown of our weekend trip to grandma's and Great Wolf Lodge with kids that exemplified the family vacation pitfalls.

  • Kid #3 started with cold symptoms the morning of Trip Day 1. Kids always get sick when a trip is involved.
  • On Sunday morning and Day 2, we went to church with our friends before going straight to Walmart to buy cold medicine for the ever worsening cold that Kid #3 chose to get just to spite me. I also needed to buy a toothbrush because I forgot Kid #3's toothbrush. I always forget his toothbrush. I'm sorry for whatever dental problems you have later in life, Kid #3. You can blame me.
  • An hour or so into the drive, Kid #3 announced he was sick and started gagging. Because I expected vomit (I always expect vomit from someone) I managed to catch everything in the Wal-mart bag and avoided the roadside vomit clean up routine (which I was prepared for).
  • Buy the spiteful, sick kid a ginger ale in the hopes that the vomit was from the cold medicine on an empty-ish stomach, playing video games in the car, and NOT the 6 day stomach virus from hell that's been circling the homeschool groups lately.
  • Kid #3 seems fine and insists macaroni and cheese is the only thing he can eat. So we find a restaurant with mac&cheese. It was Bojangles. This is when Kid #1 decided he felt like throwing up. This was a false alarm brought on by the uber greasy Bojangles food. Kids always give you false alarms for potential vomit on roadtrips. 
  • Arrive at Great Wolf Lodge at the exact same time as every other family that is staying that night. Wait in line. Wait. Wait. An hour later, we're at the waterpark. Finally. At this point, I always have the stereotypical "Wow. This is a lot of work, and we haven't even started yet. I hope this is worth it" look. 
  • Pay $20 for a locker at the waterpark. Calm down husband who's bitter about the $20 locker.
  • Do some waterslides! Wait halfway up the stairs because you realize you forgot to get the required life jacket for Kid #3. You always forget a crucial item on a trip and remember at the last minute. Always.
  • Watch Kid #3's face as he goes from excitement to terror when he realizes how big the waterslides actually are. Make him get on anyway. 
  • After some lily pad and wave pool action, take Kid #3 up a million steps to try a different slide. Turn around and do the parent walk of shame because the kid has changed his mind. 
  • Eventually all kids are having fun and riding slides. Joy is had by all. This is the point you decide the kids actually are worth keeping.
  • Going to bed: kids have a "discussion" over which bed each one is sleeping in. Kids always "discuss" where they will sleep. Discuss is code for argue.
  • On Day 3, the morning goes well. This is where the kids have lulled you into complacency. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!  THIS IS WHEN THEY STRIKE!!!
  • When trying to leave, the kids suddenly announce "Wait! We didn't get Dippin Dots! You promised we could get Dippin Dots at Great Wolf!"  And see, I don't know. Did I promise that? I remember talking about Dippin Dots but it doesn't sound like something I would promise. But maybe I did. I honestly don't remember. So we got Dippin Dots. I don't want to be the parent of broken promises.
  • Kids are bitter about leaving the waterpark. Kid #2 is on the verge of tears because she didn't win the waterslide race, she had to share some of her Dippin Dots, whatever other thing she could cling onto to slow our exit.  Kid #3 refused to smile or look at the camera for a picture.
  • Leave GWL. See a missed text from my mom. My mom only calls or texts if something bad happened.
  • Call mom. Get bad news. Mom, stop being so predictable.
  • Get to the parking lot for a 2pm lunch at Chick-fil-a.
  • Kid #1 suddenly announces he's left his pocketknife in the room. The pocketknife that belonged to his GREAT GRANDFATHER AND SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT HOME AT ALL BUT HE WANTED TO CARRY IT AROUND WITH HIM BECAUSE IT'S SPECIAL!!!
  • Get back in the van, drive back to GWL, talk to the staff, find out no one can find the pocketknife, cry in the bathroom because I've reached my limit. Parents cry on family trips too.
  • Try for lunch again. At Wendy's. Yuck.
  • Find the lost pocketknife in Kid #1's Nintendo 3ds case. GAH!! Kids always lose things on trips. Permanently confiscate the pocketknife.
  • Realize Ikea can't happen because we spent so much time on the lost pocketknife that we'd be in the middle of Charlotte rush hour if we spend an hour and a half at Ikea. Cry on the inside. 
  • Drive home.
  • Twenty miles from our exit, the bathroom emergency hits. It's not a real emergency. It's an "I'm tired of sitting in the car and I'm kind of bored so I'll announce I need to go to the bathroom."
  • Arrive home! Finally! Realize we have no food in the house. Walk to Moe's because they have a Monday night burrito special and we can walk there. 
And that, my friends, is how we do family trips. This one was pretty calm in the grand scheme of things. Nothing like that time I lost my wallet and keys at Universal Studios...

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