Do not tell me that divorce doesn't negatively affect children and expect me to be quiet.
I haven't been able to write as much since my phone is my only source of internet at the moment. Living in the country. It's killing me! Anyway, I let myself get sucked into a Facebook discussion on the effects of divorce on children. Why? WHY did I feel the compulsion to express my opinion? I suppose it's because the attitude I saw was so cavalier that I held onto that shred of hope that maybe. Just maybe I could convince just one person to at least consider the idea that divorce does have consequences for the children.
Usually a person's opinion only effects that person. But when your choices put your child at increased risk for depression, suicide, teenage pregnancy, divorce in their own marriages, and difficulty in personal relationships, AND you choose to believe that those risks are non-existent? Then no. I will not let you continue in your ignorance. If me telling you the fact that divorce increases a child's risk for a number of issues makes you offended or me judgmental, then fine. You can be offended. I'll be judgmental. As long as you then recognize the risk factors and WORK to avoid your child being a statistic, I can live with the judgmental label.
I am in NO way judging anyone's divorce with this. Divorce is sometimes necessary, justified, warranted, whatever. Guess what. Children still have the consequences and increased risk factors. Divorce rips apart the most basic structure of a child's life. That has lasting effects. I can't think of a single person who doesn't have issues from their parents' divorce in some form or another.
I'll share the personal side for me. My parents have been happily married for nearly 34 years. My husband's parents divorced when he was 4. My husband is the poster child for the best case scenario of a child of divorce. He is successful, well-educated, in a happy marriage of 13 years and counting, an amazing father. Guess what. He continues to work on the issues created from growing up in a divorced home. About 3 years into our marriage, we were having a tough time. Mr. Inc had been activated and absent most of the time for a year and a half when this particular situation occurred. Our first child was about 2 years old so we had all kinds of stress in our life! We had some stupid, ridiculous fight about nothing of importance, and out of nowhere Mr. Inc asked if I wanted a divorce. I was completely shocked. Divorce had never even occurred to me. Why would I want a divorce? We're having a fight. We're going through a tough time. You work through it and move on to better times. That was my worldview. He'd grown up watching people give up and split up. Deep down, that's what he was expecting. He didn't want a divorce anymore than I did, but he thought that was what people did. Silly man. He still hadn't realized what an amazing stubborn woman he'd married. ;)
So guess what. My well adjusted husband has spent years realizing that he has issues stemming from his parents' divorce, and I am the one that gets to help him through it. That divorce from so long ago left a legacy that we're still working through today. We will give our children a different legacy.
I know I sound a little angry, and that would be because I am. I've seen the pain my husband has gone through, and that makes me hurt as well. This isn't a judgment call on whether anyone's divorce was good or bad. Maybe the risk factors for your children after divorce are BETTER than the risk factors they'd have by growing up in a completely dysfunctional family that doesn't divorce. A child of divorce still has those risk factors. To deny that and not be proactive in looking for signs of trouble is completely irresponsible. You're putting a lot on the line by assuming that divorce doesn't have long-term effects.
I'll step off my soapbox now. Have a nice day! And here's an article that summarizes a number of studies including those done by Harvard, those printed in the American Sociological Review, and a number of others. I'm not trying to be exhaustive in giving you facts on the risk factors for children of divorce. If you want to know them, it's all too easy to google them yourself.
Usually a person's opinion only effects that person. But when your choices put your child at increased risk for depression, suicide, teenage pregnancy, divorce in their own marriages, and difficulty in personal relationships, AND you choose to believe that those risks are non-existent? Then no. I will not let you continue in your ignorance. If me telling you the fact that divorce increases a child's risk for a number of issues makes you offended or me judgmental, then fine. You can be offended. I'll be judgmental. As long as you then recognize the risk factors and WORK to avoid your child being a statistic, I can live with the judgmental label.
I am in NO way judging anyone's divorce with this. Divorce is sometimes necessary, justified, warranted, whatever. Guess what. Children still have the consequences and increased risk factors. Divorce rips apart the most basic structure of a child's life. That has lasting effects. I can't think of a single person who doesn't have issues from their parents' divorce in some form or another.
I'll share the personal side for me. My parents have been happily married for nearly 34 years. My husband's parents divorced when he was 4. My husband is the poster child for the best case scenario of a child of divorce. He is successful, well-educated, in a happy marriage of 13 years and counting, an amazing father. Guess what. He continues to work on the issues created from growing up in a divorced home. About 3 years into our marriage, we were having a tough time. Mr. Inc had been activated and absent most of the time for a year and a half when this particular situation occurred. Our first child was about 2 years old so we had all kinds of stress in our life! We had some stupid, ridiculous fight about nothing of importance, and out of nowhere Mr. Inc asked if I wanted a divorce. I was completely shocked. Divorce had never even occurred to me. Why would I want a divorce? We're having a fight. We're going through a tough time. You work through it and move on to better times. That was my worldview. He'd grown up watching people give up and split up. Deep down, that's what he was expecting. He didn't want a divorce anymore than I did, but he thought that was what people did. Silly man. He still hadn't realized what an amazing stubborn woman he'd married. ;)
So guess what. My well adjusted husband has spent years realizing that he has issues stemming from his parents' divorce, and I am the one that gets to help him through it. That divorce from so long ago left a legacy that we're still working through today. We will give our children a different legacy.
I know I sound a little angry, and that would be because I am. I've seen the pain my husband has gone through, and that makes me hurt as well. This isn't a judgment call on whether anyone's divorce was good or bad. Maybe the risk factors for your children after divorce are BETTER than the risk factors they'd have by growing up in a completely dysfunctional family that doesn't divorce. A child of divorce still has those risk factors. To deny that and not be proactive in looking for signs of trouble is completely irresponsible. You're putting a lot on the line by assuming that divorce doesn't have long-term effects.
I'll step off my soapbox now. Have a nice day! And here's an article that summarizes a number of studies including those done by Harvard, those printed in the American Sociological Review, and a number of others. I'm not trying to be exhaustive in giving you facts on the risk factors for children of divorce. If you want to know them, it's all too easy to google them yourself.
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