In case you thought my Facebook complaining was shallow...

Last week I had to take Charlotte to MUSC to be evaluated by an orthopedist. My pediatrician was concerned she might have scoliosis. *hard eye roll* She does not have scoliosis. Like, she's not even close. Her spine is 5 degrees from perfect. The process was so irritating. We were hungry because the appointment was right at lunch time, and I had severely overestimated the competency of the office to schedule appointments appropriately. It was an irritating day equivalent to a small rock in your shoe for a couple of hours. It was stressful because even though I knew Charlotte was fine, I was also walking into this large, intimidating building full of people who are not fine. It makes me consider the what-ifs that I generally avoid. You know, what if my child was in this waiting room for something severe. What if this doctor visit wasn't a one time thing but instead a regular part of my life. I complained on Facebook about the surface issues. The stupidly long wait. The overbooked time slots. But that's not what was really bothering me, not really.

The thing is, I was feeling embarrassed. I was feeling like a person that lived in the capital of Panem in the Hunger Games. We have so much wealth in our little part of the world that my pediatrician is sending me to an orthopedist for a non-issue. Twice. This is the second time they've sent us. My daughter has had two EKGs and visited with a pediatric cardiologist because she passes out from needles. Like, seriously. My kids are healthy. We get colds, we need glasses, and our teeth aren't perfect. That's it. And yet here we are. In my arsenal of doctors for my perfectly healthy children, I have a pediatrician, a pediatric cardiologist, 3 orthopedists, an Occupational Therapist, an optometrist, a dentist, and an orthodontist. I was once offered a plastic surgeon consult for one child for NOTHING SERIOUS AT ALL just in case we were interested in correcting a small "imperfection" that we didn't even know was a supposed imperfection until the doctor pointed it out.  Forget gluttony with food. We are gluttons for doctors. I am incredibly thankful that if my children need medical care, I have the best at my disposal.

I am also painfully aware that while I have every specialist I could possibly need for any potential health issue that comes my way within 30 minutes of my home, most people in the world do not have that luxury. My friends in Honduras take medical teams out to remote villages because there is no medical care at all within reach of the people. It's's appalling the discrepancy there is between us and them. I'm appalled at the inequity.  And there's nothing I can really do about it at the moment. All I have is frustration and embarrassment at my wealth and the wealth that surrounds me. And yes, I say my wealth because I'm already one of the wealthiest people in the world with my stable income, house, running water, electricity, education, and running vehicle.

I say all that because I'd hate for anyone that read my Facebook posts this week to think I'm really so shallow to be that upset about waiting a few hours for a doctor's appointment. My real frustration couldn't fit in Facebook status so it came out as pictures with filters and annoying posts about First World Problems. It's easier for me to feel anger and frustration. Those give an adrenaline rush. They make me feel good in the moment. It's easy. The real trouble is grief over a world I can't save. The unfairness of life. Why do I have all these advantages and privileges that others don't?

Sorry y'all. This isn't all that well written, and I don't have anything funny to add. I'm feeling ridiculous at all the excess. I won't even get into the health insurance aspect of it all. I'm frustrated that there's a homeless man that hangs out in my shopping center, and I don't know how to help him. I'm frustrated that there's a homeless man at all. Why can't everyone have a home and doctors? I am mournful about some personal family things going on that are not my story to share. I'm heartbroken with my friend that just lost her baby. I've posted a lot of funny and surface things this week because it's a small break from what I've really been thinking and praying about. And there's really nothing I can do about any of it. I am too far away to physically minister to certain people, or the problem is so big that all I can do for now is acknowledge the problem. I can't stay in the deep, dark parts of my mind all the time so I share kid quotes and post a few selfies or kid pics with filters. In all honesty though, it's been an emotionally draining week for me and many people I love very much.

So now you know. All that "realness" on Facebook is real, but it's very surface. Anyone willing to sit and chat with me on the phone or get a cup of coffee with me will probably get more than they bargained for. There's your warning. Invite or avoid  me at your discretion. And if you choose avoidance but accidentally run into me, I can still handle small talk. How about the weather, eh? I guess my small talk leans to Canadian. Be prepared for that too.


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