One of those days...

Yesterday was one of those days. I was fed up with my tetris apartment, especially since I'd lost the game of fitting the computer somewhere normal. Like, NOT in a place where we walk. I was tired, defeated, and generally unhappy with my lot in life. In other words, I was acting like a teenage girl. Blech. So of course this morning one of the first things I read is about cities of people living on giant landfills in Honduras. They dig through the trash daily looking for food and plastic. If they find enough plastic (50 lbs), they can sell it. For a DOLLAR. And I was so proud of myself last night for pushing through and not ordering the Papa John's pizza. I'd made out the order and everything. I just had to push "Order" on my phone, and it would have been done. But I didn't. So it was a major victory in my mind at the time.

I don't know why I have days like that. Days where I know that I'm being completely irrational, but I just...can't. Days where suddenly someone else's husband is doing all these great things, and I think "why can't MY husband do that kind of stuff?" Or why won't MY kids stop asking me the same questions five billion and one times a day? Why does MY apartment have to be so annoyingly laid out that even though the space is officially there, it's really not. Why does Angelina Jolie get a personal chef? You know, perfectly rational questions.

Since I must find the purpose in everything, I look for the purpose in those days. And don't even tell me you don't have them too. So on the day after those days, I am reminded that all those yucky, embarrassing to admit thoughts and attitudes are always rumbling around in my heart somewhere. Yes, most days I can tamp them down, choose thankfulness, or at least fake my way through the day so no one else sees it. But it's still there. Deep in my heart, I am jealous. I crave the attention and approval of certain people. I am lazy. I am a list of filthy, disgusting, dirty characteristics.

I am cleaned. I am saved.

Saved from what? Saved from living a life led by jealousy, the search for adoration, laziness, anger, and all the other things I'll never admit to here.

See, I am not really those things. They don't control my days. I let my guard down and think to myself that I've got this whole LIFE thing down. Then God reminds me that I haven't arrived. I'm in the middle of the journey, not the end. I don't know if I'm even far enough to claim the middle. I'm still at the beginning in many ways! But I do not know myself as a jealous, ungrateful, lazy person. I feel those things, but I am not defined by them anymore.

Cleaned and saved are the only ones I'll claim as definition. And they are more powerful than any one of those days.   And now to clean up the disaster left from yesterday. Because those days usually leave piles of laundry, dishes, toys, books, and papers for me.

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