A Calvinist talking about choices! *gasp*

       We just got back from spending most of last week in Greenville with friends. The official reason for the trip was a homeschooling conference. Of course, you know I don't need much of a reason to make the trip to Greenville. Homeschool conference? Let's go! Extended family issues? Let's go! Rain? Let's go! =)
        The conference was great! I was surrounded by people that share my love of books. I was reminded of things I knew but had forgotten.  I got a much need refresher course on how I'd like school to go as opposed to how it has (hasn't) gone. Overall, the weekend was fantastic, but the most profound moment for me almost didn't happen at all. 
       Our plan for Sunday was supposed to be: get the kids ready, pack up everybody's stuff, find a way to fit everything in the van and Mr. Inc's car (We were in 2 cards because he drove up separately, but we also had to bring a bed back with us so we had space issues!), then go to my parents' house for lunch and a driving break before finally heading back home.  Instead, we managed to pack and load everything in time to visit our friends' church before starting home.  The sermon has been playing back in my mind ever since.
      The point that really struck me was about how we can know the right thing to do. We know the choice we need to make, but somehow we just don't. Or can't. Either way, we know what to do, yet we still knowingly make the wrong decision. This isn't about self-deception. It's about being caught up in something that we know we should run away from. Run fast and far. But we don't. I can't be the only one that deals with this. I know I'm not the only one, because even Paul (you know, the APOSTLE Paul who wrote most of the New Testament) dealt with this very issue. Read Romans 7:15-19ish if you don't believe me.
      That something that we should run away from could be anything...a circumstance, a way of thinking, even a person. Whatever it is...we know it's like poison in our lives, but we won't let it go.  I've heard these verses before, probably hundreds of times, but I never really I got it like I did on Sunday. Over the last 10 years or so, I've watched so many friends make decisions that I would have never believed they'd make if I didn't watch the mess unfold with my own eyes. I've watched friends that were in the ministry,  preparing to go all sorts of places to share the Gospel, just turn their backs on everything they swore they were called to do. I can think of so many examples of friends making bad choices, and I really couldn't understand how it happened. They knew they were making a wrong choice. They TOLD me they knew they were making the wrong choice, but they couldn't help themselves.
      Clearly, I didn't get it.  Until now. Because now I totally get it.  I've finally gone through my own fire where I just KNEW the choice I needed to make, but I just. couldn't. make myself do it. I'm not talking about a grey area. I was staring quite clearly at a black and white choice, and I kept choosing wrong.  It's always a big blow when you get a glimpse of how wretched a person you have the capability of being.
      Since yesterday, it was slowly coming on. It's not like I was blown away at church when I was listening to everything, but in the back of my mind, I kept hearing that one particular point over and over again. Each time it was a little louder until finally this afternoon as I was journaling (because DUH, I write to clear my head!), my wrong choice just came out on paper. I was actually surprised to even see it there because I'd managed to ignore my bad choices extremely well thankyouverymuch! Yet there was my grossly wrong choice scrawled across the paper. For the first time, I got a sense of how wrong I've really been in this particular situation. Don't get me wrong. I've known I was wrong in this circumstance for quite awhile, but I couldn't stop making the choice.
   Thankfully, God is gracious, patient, and enlightening at all the right times. He will give me the grace to turn things around. To repent. To turn away from the things I need to turn away from, and turn to Jesus. Really, it's so much more than I deserve.  So...allllll that to say...I am so glad we made the last minute decision to go to church after all.


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